I like slots - it’s THE BEST GAME TO WIN!

Here’s another: Picture this. You’re cruising just outside of Lovelock, Nevada, in your red T-bird convertible. Being a healthy quaffer of the world’s finest lager, you find your-self in need of a personal pit stop. So you pull into a full-service Exxon for gas. After you TCB, you go into the garage and there, oily and grease-stained, with art deco fins and a grill that screams 1958, is a slot machine with big neon letters on it: C-H-E-V-Y. DO you play? Answer: Walk away quickly. Flee.

One last question: You have a big ol’ sack of laundry so you head to the Laundromat. And there, way in the back, right between the coin-operated soap powder dispenser and the folding counter, is a slot machine with a picture of Marilyn Monroe on it. A subway grate is blowing up her dress, and the arm you pull is Marilyn’s left arm. Do you play? Answer: Nyuhuh!

Oh, all right. Maybe just one coin.

Tags: Uncategorized // Add Comment »

For those of you who don’t know your Macbeths from your McMuffins, this means you should play slot machines only where the slots themselves are the primary activity. If it’s a matter of, “Hey, they have a slot machine, too,” don’t play. The people on either side of spin the reels you when you’re drop-ping your coins should be there to play slots, not to see the show or eat the food. Go to the places where the slot players go.

Okay, here’s a pop quiz: You’re in a sports bar and everyone is watching 14 different football games on a series of large-screen televisions—and there’s a slot machine over in the corner between the pay phone and the cigarette machine. Do you play it? No!

Follow-up question: You’re eating in a Chinese restaurant just off the beaten path in Vegas. You ask for the rest room and they point to a curtained exit in the back. Behind the curtain a playing slot machines narrow staircase heads steeply downward. At the bottom of the stairs, dimly lit but visible, are two doors; there’s a little pink umbrella on one, blue on the other. There’s also a tall ashtray with sand in its top, a mirror, an ink painting on rice paper, and the most beautiful slot ma-chine you have ever seen, shaped like a pagoda and playing a music-box version of “Sukiyaki.” Do you put a coin in? Answer: Nay.

Tags: Uncategorized // Add Comment »

“That would be very bad,” he said gravely. So I’m sworn to secrecy. We don’t want Mr. X to receive any cosmetic surgery via blowtorch, do we? No, we do not.

So Mr. X gave me the skinny. Here it is: Don’t play illegal machines. It’s a total rip-off.

“First of all, there aren’t any machines to compete with mine,” he said. “If you want to play a slot machine and you live in the neighborhood, it’s either play mine or drive all night to a casino.”

I know it’s hard not to drop a coin into every slot you see. I feel your pain. But the simple rule of thumb is that whenever you play slots, you should make sure that the slots are, in the Shakespearean sense, the thing.

Tags: Uncategorized // Add Comment »

Here’s something that might have happened to you. If not, come along. It’ll be an adventure.

You’re in a state in which gambling is illegal—a state in which there are no Indian reservations and no loopholes. Let’s say you’re walking through an urban area slots strategy one evening. You pass an amiable tavern with dim light, a pool table, and the ball game on TV.

A sudden thirst grips you, so you duck inside for a couple. On your way to the rest room you happen to peek into a small back room and there, much to your delight, is a row of five slot machines. Should you play? I decided to find out.

I searched urban sidewalks from coast to coast. Well, not really. I actually hit pay dirt on only the third saloon to envelop me in its warmth. It was a Sunday at offering a progressive jackpot noontime. The bartender was alone, and he turned out to also be the propri-etor. Best of all, I explained who I was and he told me he’d give me the truth, as long as I didn’t use his name.

To be continued…

Tags: Uncategorized // Add Comment »

Keno machines feature the numbers 1 through 80. On each play, 10 of these numbers are chosen by the machine. You must guess ahead of time which of the numbers will be chosen. You can guess anywhere from 2 to 10 numbers. If you guess two numbers, both of them must come up for, typically, a 14-to-l payout. Three out of three pays 40 to 1. Four out of four pays 100 to 1. Five out of five pays 800 to 1. Six out of six pays 7,760 to 1. Eight out of eight pays 8,000 to 1. Nine out of nine pays 9,000 to 1. And ten out of ten pays 10,000 to 1. If you guess three or more numbers in slots tournaments, you don’t have to get them all correct in order to collect. Two out of three pays 2 to 1. Pick nine numbers and have four of them come up and you get your money back. Pick 9 out of 10 and the payoff is 4,800 to 1.

Tags: Uncategorized // Add Comment »